as i was

 im worser in home now,listening to sade now,as im listening and typing,im thinking of the ways to get out of this house,not because of hate but i feel trapped here,i feel happy when im not with my family. this feels toxic and i feel like im being manipulated by devil.im still not connected with god. im not answering to questions my parents asking and its absolutely absurd,i will admit it. as i was repeating the same mistake,my father asked me to get ouf of this house if i dont like staying here,so for some time im thinking of the ways to get out of this house and not to depend on their money,the thought of opening up or just talking irritating me. i really dont know why, i feel like the time my parents has is borrowed.i feel like something big is going to happen,it could be death or worser. i love my family and yes im selfish at some aspects. but i always chose to stand by my family, i always try to say the safest and less info abt my family when ppl ask abt them. Family is Everything but Family is Not Everything. i could be ignorant now and i believe i am. my parents are narrow minded. and yes last saturday i didnt go to amma shop and it was quite nice. i spent the whole morning sleeping. and this sat im going again,they are insisting me. i might get slapped by my dad soon. i dont know how i will react but i must remain silent and mysterious. i cant trust anyone here. infact no one. i dont know why i feel worse being around my family. it ruins my whole mood. i want to be alone and i wish to be alone for now. if i get out of this house,how am i going to survive,how do i get a job, where do i stay, how i will be. its really awful here. i always be out at night,tonight i stayed here and this happened. i feel like i should be away from my family,i feel happy when im by myself or somewhere alone without my family. i dont hate anyone. its just what i feel. i lack jesus. i need him more than ever but im trapped by my own thoughts,maybe im not trapped. im just avoiding him. i did get a job actually, i worked for 5 days, i got 350 pay. its cool and not so cool. 

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