Title is yours

 here i come with my unfiltered thoughts. i gotta get to the money,i might be selfish because lowkey,i want the money to myself only. i wanna live.greedy? no, selfish? kinda,ignorant? might be. im scared of the working environment to be clearly honest. i feel lazy and i really want to live life on easy mode. i mean everyone wishes for a easy life. easy money,easy life,easy bill payment,easy private jet. for sure everyone wants that. money is not everything. i spent obscene amount of money on myself and on some new experiences. just all alone. i enjoyed it. i find myself to be always saying that  i want to be better,a better man on everything,who is able to lead someone,lead himself,open to new experiences and to be not concerned about the result. just focusing on hustle. if im afraid to take accountability,manage things on my own, i shouldnt be talking about the hustle because this so called hustle comes with a package. pain,suffer,sweat,tears and blood. the fear of being seen as a fool is the major thought that is holding me down. i should be open,i should be open to learn,get myself into some troubles maybe? in order to learn of course. i spent some money on fragrances this year,these few months. a different type of alcoholic i suppose but man,it made me happy. now im looking at the fragrances i bought,i feel nothing. i'd be like 'all of these are just a bunch of liquids'. i never thought that collecting fragrances would be a addiction of mine. i still remember 2022 christmas,i bought a sauvage dupe at the local store at semenyih. i still remember those days where i added dupes of versace eros,sauvage in shoppee.now i got it all.i remember fragrance tok during 2022 and 2023. sauvage,eros, of course jpg as well. i dont want to rely on my parents,i feel disgusted towards of the idea of asking my parents for money,for my needs as im planning to stay in hostel next year. i dont hate being in home,i love being at home but alone. i dont like to be with my family. maybe its a curse because i saw my brother being just like me few years ago and now,he talks more than me to my family. i dont think its strange. i think he understood the importance of the family. i might go through these lessons too. to be honest i dont want to. i kinda like being like this. i dont know if im opposed to be as the distant guy or i just got a bigger lesson ahead of me. i always think that im special. iam special. everyone is for sure. but again,i am special. ego? no, being boastful? no, confidence? yes, self love? yes. im in a world where everyone thinks self confidence and believing in yourself as a negative quality. i think people just misread my actions or just perceive me negatively. i just know that im special, better than everyone? no. short man syndrome they'd say,or napolean syndrome. in a world where height defines a person's personality,especially within males. an attack tool for the society,for women to be clear with.. i find it to be absolutely foolish to decide someone's quality based on their looks. i've met plenty of people who made jokes about my height,made me think that im a lesser guy,i got bullied heavily and my friends wouldnt accept that fact that they bullied me. it made me feel terribble for sure. still i got the swag,the way i move,the way i carry myself. it made me what i am now which is a self loving guy. i wanted to grow taller so bad because i took the concept of 'short guys are a lesser of a person'  a bit deeply. i loved myself but i had this insecurity. im still concerned whenever ppl ask about my height.im learning to embrace it and nothing cant hurt me. i believe that firmly and i live by the phrase.i want to be better. better as in a good soul. lately im not interested in making my own family in the future. i feel like i'd be better of alone or without kids. i feel like its a freedom to live for yourself without stress or burden. i dont think its a burden to be clear with. old cultured people would say that the idea i have on my mind right now is selfish and foolish but i've seen thousands of kids being spoiled and unloved by their own parents. i dont want to repeat my parent's action which caused my mind to spark this idea. i dont want to sound like a victim would sound. i grew up seeing arguments,my parents shouting at each other,i saw blood at a very young age.i would not call it as a trauma, i think the word trauma is more than this. i would say this is a lesson,a experience,something that i learned throughout the years. i believe a man or a woman,should be single or shouldnt have kids if they are unable to lead or to act as a parent. bible says the same. i know god said that a man shouldnt be alone and he needs someone,he never forced it. marriage is not a mandatory.its your choice. not your parent's. remember we are here to live for ourselves and to glorify our god,not for our parents. im seeing kids being controlled by their parents,not having the freedom to do what they want,to express their emotion,as expressing seems rude and disobedient to parent's eyes. i dont want to risk it,i dont want to be a awful dad and i dont want to give them a living hell.